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Jumping Ship: From Relationship to Friendship
Just recently, I found myself in a bit of a conundrum. I had been living with my girlfriend of two years for approximately the same amount of time, and for the last 6 months or so, I was getting the feeling that she and I were beginning to take our lives in different directions, or rather, that we weren't able to take our lives in the same direction as the other. She was/is a career law enforcement worker with fairly conservative viewpoints and aspirations, and I am a freelancer who enjoys spontaneity and the joy of doing what comes naturally to me. Don't get me wrong...she and I are great friends, and will remain that way for the foreseeable time, but only because of a few key factors in how the situation was approached and how she and I chose to react. Following are some tips for keeping the relation...even when you can't keep the relationship. Timing It Right Make sure that you keep up on the happenings of your soon-to-be-ex's life. If s/he has a lot going on at the present moment, let them adjust and deal with the issue/s at hand. After they have had some time to cope, break the news as gently as possible and be prepared to listen and comfort them for a time. It took an hour for my ex to slow her tears enough to be able to function reasonably again. I sat with and held her the entire time, just listening to and reassuring her. Whatever you do, don't sit on the possibility for longer than a few months. Chances are, if you still have doubts about your relationship after that, the time for breaking up is long past. Be Honest Both friendships and deeper relationships require honesty. If you can't communicate exactly what you're feeling without putting some sort of spin on it or lying outright, don't kid yourself; you're not friends. Without friendship, you can't have a love interest, let alone a permanent relationship or marriage (many have tried, few have psuedo-succeeded). Summon the courage to tell yourself and your significant other exactly how you feel, even if it involves another person. Better to be straightforward than to bump into your ex the day after your break-up with the person they thought was just a friend holding your hand...or expressing their interest in some other form of affection! (Ouch!) If you are suffering from personal maladies/addictions, let them know. It will greatly decrease the chance that they think the breakup had something to do with them. Respect Boundaries If there are places and events your ex and yourself are certain to be at the same time, make sure that established boundaries are set up to protect both of you from emotional strife. If you have to continue sharing a living arrangement, avoid bringing any new relationship potentials (or even friends that could be percieved as such) home. If you begin seeing another person right away, keep your activities and interaction away from any place your ex might be at any given time. If you and your ex still hang out in your spare time, relearn to interact with them like you did when you first became friends; don't hang all over them like there's no tomorrow, but don't treat them like the plague, either. Make Plans This is the follow-up portion of boundary-making. Always plan for something to go wrong in the boundary arena. Perhaps you and your ex end up in the same place unexpectedly while you're with a person that might be perceived as a love interest. Whether the person you are with is or isn't, don't ignore your ex if s/he spots you. Greet them as a friend, and make friendly introductions. Realize that there are some things you can't plan for...in any case, treat your ex exactly as you would any good friend...as your friend. Move On As a tip that seems to be a given for some, I feel it important to include this as a final step in a brief guide covering a very complicated subject. If you've taken the time to go through all the aforementioned steps, don't let fear or insecurity get the best of you. Do what you set out to do and find other people to build new relationships with. Don't spend a huge chunk of time reminiscing about how good (or bad) you may have had it. That line of thinking only builds walls in your daily interactions with other people, as well as your ex-turned-friend. Building a relationship is a process that requires dedication, drive, and time. The same goes for changing or ending one. Tearing down something that's taken so much time to build can be painful...but in the end, you may just find yourself tearing down a wall that was holding you back. |
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The copyright for this content entitled "Jumping Ship: From Relationship to Friendship" has been specified by the contributor as:
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This intel was contributed by Raine
Raine
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May, 2012
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